How to Trust Promises After Facing Broken Promises
I promise to verify the promises promised to me.
“Keep every promise you make and only make promises you can keep.”
— Anthony Hitt
I promise to treat you with respect.
I promise I will be there at this time.
I promise….
Promise — a word we grow up listening to. Promise demands that you must trust the person making it to live up to the meaning of that word.
A commitment to me as a child meant that my parents would never let me down. I remember the days my mother used to soothe me to go to school by promising me that she will have my favourite food ready for lunch when I return. The whole day at school, I would wait for the final bell to ring so that I could indulge in my mother’s cooking.
However, there were some days when my mom was caught up with something else, and she couldn’t make it. I wouldn’t say a word, but I would shed a tear or two while having a shower. A promise meant so much to me back then. When my mom realised that I was hurt, she again promised to make it up to me another day which I must give her credit for. Every time she could not live up to a promise, she would invariably make it up to me.
It didn’t mean that I would be spoiled with extravagant gestures. All my mom did was make two of my favourite dishes instead of one over one weekend, and I would be over the moon that she went out of her way and prepared two meals that required more effort than one. A broken promise meant that if the person cared, they would eventually make it up to me.
My Motto — Never Trust Until Its Done
As I entered my teens, the definition of a promise changed drastically. I didn’t have someone like my mom to make it up to me. I lost faith in the term until someone did what they said they would. What used to happen was that I would wait for hours and sometimes have sleepless nights in the excitement that someone would fulfil their promise to me. But when they didn’t, I would hurt and take things so personally that I would have a challenging time healing from it. And so, I trained myself to never count on a promise until done.
Then the twenties happened where the whole world seems confusing. You go through the entire phase of finishing your degree and stepping into the corporate world. It’s a 360-degree shift of human behaviour, and your teen innocence is crushed. People promise to lure you into believing that it’s okay for someone else to take credit for your work. Promises are made for the sole purpose of getting the job done. A promise then, to me, was never about respecting a person’s emotion. It was all about what material gain someone gets under the veil of a commitment.
Promises Made in Love Hurt the Most
Broken promises or the fake ones, as long as they didn’t come from people who were close to me, was something I was okay dealing with. Until I fell for promises that meant loving someone unconditionally, somehow when the person you love makes a promise, you can be rest assured that because they love you so much (or as much they say they do) will make sure it will happen. Even if they didn’t fulfil it at the said moment, they would make it up to you. But then I realised how naïve I was and that not everyone is your mom who will ensure they won’t break your heart.
Failed promises from someone you love hurts the most. Because, unlike the worldly ones, these were the ones you allowed your mind and spirit to think about. And when these break, they cause the most profound hurt.
How to Trust Again?
How to have faith in the word ‘promise’ again when someone you thought would do anything to make it work didn’t. When someone promises a forever and then says, we cannot be together anymore. How do you even dare to make a promise when you believed in someone so much, and that very person crushes your soul with broken promises?
It’s hard. You cannot even think about trusting the word ever again. The aftereffect of a broken promise is trust issues. This is then unfair to those who genuinely care and would move mountains to make us feel special.
Therefore, how do we trust promises made? Should we never believe in them again just because we have burnt our hearts countless times before?
I learn from my mistakes every single day and reflect on how one bad incident cannot be treated as a mental block to let in the good ones.
Over time I realised that treating every intention with caution isn’t bad. But to make someone feel that they cannot be relied on because of your past hurt is unfair to those who wish to see you happy. I feel miserable when I realise that I make someone else feel unwanted because of my lack of trust. And so, I consciously choose to follow the following:
Trust But Verify
I promise to get this to you by Friday. Something I read in my inbox quite often. If I receive it by Friday, great if not, is the person conscious enough to reach out to me explaining the delay? Similarly, if someone close to me makes up for their unfulfilled promise, I keep this check a few times and then choose to trust in their promise again.
No Matter How Close Someone Is — Don’t Ignore the Signs
We often tend to ignore people’s comments and behaviours because we don’t want to lose them. But in the long run, these people hurt us the most and honestly, when this happens, I feel we are to blame as we missed them breaking us early on. The earlier we consciously make someone realise that their actions hurt us, if they genuinely care for you, they will try to work on their flaws and note how important promises are to you.
Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt — But Only Thrice
We are humans, and we make mistakes. Sometimes life happens, and we cannot live up to our promises. Fine, I get that, but it’s time to act if it’s repeated more than thrice. It’s not as if your time isn’t essential. It’s vital to treat everyone’s time with respect, and if they cannot do that for you, how can we trust their promises.
If the Person Cares — They Will Value Your Honesty
It’s terrifying to lay it all out on the table to those who mean so much to you. If a promise means the world to you, they will realise and appreciate your vulnerability. They will understand that words and commitment matter to you and will not run away from the commitment that you demand.
Despite all these measures, we still hurt. It’s the right passage to growth. But we see the signs early on when someone takes our time and effort for granted. When we have been through pain, we have learnt our lessons. It’s time to make others aware of how you feel and understand what is valuable to you. If they stay and understand, they are the ones who will reinstall your faith in the word ‘promise’.
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