Dear Writers — Do You Go Through This Too?
Please tell me I am not the only one.
There I was, standing in front of my window, enjoying the unusual winter breeze. We Mumbaikars are not used to anything cold. All we know is heat and rain.
With a cup of tea in my hand and mulling over societal pressures, my heart was feeling heavy. Why?
Because I firstly have a hard time accepting that I am a writer, and to make things worse, words decided to break up with me.
When the Thing You Love Turns to Hate
Last week, I tried or am still trying to find my way back to words (I submitted pending drafts while I searched for words in my head). I did blame my health as I was down with a terrible sore throat and a running nose, but that didn’t help. I felt worthless and lost as I couldn’t find words or an experience to share. I felt deflated and wondered if I was the only one who felt this way.
I then texted my dear friend, and she told me how she couldn’t write anything for two years. I could feel her pain in my bones and thanked her for showing me the light when I thought I would never come out of the dark tunnel.
What happens when the thing you love the most turns into hate? Like the love of your life suddenly turns into your worst enemy overnight, and you wonder when did it get so bad?
A Breakup with Words
As I sip my tea and write these words, I feel scared and think of the worst. That’s what we overthinkers are so good at. Thinking about the worst possible outcome of every situation so that we know what to expect and somehow try and get hold of the problem. But what about those situations that involve the mind, and no matter how hard you wish to push yourself, the words just don’t come.
It’s like a pit you have fallen into, and you have no clue how to get out of it. You try hard so much that your nails bleed, your knees hurt, and there are no tears left as you are plain exhausted.
I read and read and read, hoping to find something. I saw a few movies, started watching a new show, yet words refused to knock on my door. And so, I thought, you know what I will write about this very situation I am in and what this feels like — a breakup.
Yes, some of you may say, ‘oh, she is just going through writer’s block’. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels more. I am still trying to figure out what.
You see, we emotional beings have a strength and a weakness — we feel everything so much that the heart gets tired of feeling and just wants to drop the armour of strength that gives us a nasty backache.
As the new year begins, so does the long list of expectations. This list also contains the events we wish would happen, but the universe has decided to go on a vacation.
What do you do then? How does the heart deal with so much? After all, it is doing a fantastic job keeping us alive; why bother it with other pointless emotions?
So, as I write these words, I tell myself to stop. I need to give my mind a break. Maybe words have decided to take a vacation, and I have just got to wait patiently for it to come home. But instead of me waiting for its arrival, I got to live my life. All I can do is keep busy and give my mind the rest it deserves. Because sooner or later, I know that when I am taking a shower, writing an email or conducting an important meeting, words will start to annoy me like an itch that refuses to go away. Until then, I have just one job — breathe in, breathe out.
Coincidently Melanie J. shared a similar writing experience. In her write up she shares —
I haven’t been writing much lately because I believe I lost some of my passion — my motivation has dissipated. That unbridled flame that once filled my soul with joy has now lost its flare — it has fizzled and has become a mere flicker in the darkness. I know it’s still burning because the embers are fluttering all around especially when I am in the heart of nature, raising my energy, and breathing in that good ass prana — #shoutouttoralphsmart.
I don’t know for sure, but any day now, that flame could flicker one final time, or perhaps it will rekindle, and a phoenix soul will rise. I try to remain optimistic, but the energy that I am feeling is at an all-time low. And the crazy part is, I don’t know if this is my own energy or if I am absorbing it from others.
Thanks so much for your time!
